At the age of 41, I'm finally approaching a place where I'm OK if others are disappointed in something I did or didn't do. I used to walk around with this weighty guilt on my shoulders if I fell short of someone else's expectations of me. When I was younger, I wanted to please EVERYONE. Now a little older and a whole lot wiser, I realize that pleasing the masses leaves me feeling depleted, used up. As my very wise cousin once told me, you can never disappoint someone. Their disappointment is theirs. You can't make anyone feel a certain way. Period. Now that's a liberating place to be - not taking on another person's emotions. Heck, I've got enough of my own to deal with. And I used to fret over the loss of a friendship. Now I can step back and see that life is not static - there's an ebb and flow to everything including who I may or may not be close to anymore depending on changes in my life and theirs. More than anything, as I get older, I'd much rather surround myself with a few quality folks than try to have superficial relationships with dozens and dozens of people. If I didn't need so much sleep at night, I'd have a few more hours in a day to keep in touch with many more people I care deeply about. But I do need my sleep and with that said, goodnight and sleep tight.

Here are a few random things I'm appreciating at this very moment . . . my spring nature walk with Daxie this morning - it fed my soul (and his) with soothing song bird calls, lilac blooms, a running creek, and soft breezes; my new yoga space in the backyard playhouse, the glass of ice water I'm sipping with Tru Lemon (zero artificial anything - just pure, freeze-dried lemon!), my newly purchased hand-painted poppy-covered ceramic bowls from Kohl's, recent calls and conversations with old friends (thank you Faith and Nikki), my ever-growing taut belly (as big as I'm getting, I'm still enjoying this pregnancy), and thinking about how devoted and loving Tim is with Dax. It's a beautiful thing to watch them cuddle, play pretend sword fights, and listen as Da Da makes up fanciful stories that get Dax's imagination roaring.

I had no idea that the wise ways of my mom would slowly seep in to my subconscious and become a part of the mom I am today. I mean, heck, I was the typical truculent teen who butt heads with mom on everything from getting my own land line to getting out of another grounding. It was the family rituals my mom insisted we partake in that I took for granted at 16 years old that now I see had merit and wisdom. My mother Genie insisted that our family sit down every evening to share dinner together. My parents asked lots of direct, sometimes hard to answer questions about how we were doing in class, how theater was going or details about our last ski race or break up with a boy. They encouraged us to be animated and opinionated. I always felt they truly cared about what was going on in our lives. And as a result, I wanted to share what was going on in my life with them - something a lot of teens don't want to do. And then I read an article at the gym today talking about how just the simple request of parents asking children to be present at the dinner table every night to talk about their day keeps these kids from getting mixed up in drugs, alcohol and the wrong kind of crowds. I can attest to the fact that this mandate from mom worked - we were basically good kids. Sure we experimented but we respected our parents and wanted them to be proud of us. And we stayed out of major trouble. Mom also insisted I join her every Saturday to do the banking and grocery shopping. Some Saturdays I just wanted to curl up in bed longer but that wasn't an option. I had to go. To this day, I am still benefiting from watching her pay the bills and balance the household budget (I do it now for my family) to reading the nutrition labels on all food packages. Mom did the bulk of her shopping at CO-Ops - grinding her own peanut butter and buying feta cheese when it still floated like icebergs in big wooden barrels. She knew to stay away from artificial preservatives, low-fat gimicks and overly refined fare. We ate whole grains, whole fruits and whole vegetables. Pesto never came from a jar but from a bouquet of basil I'd bring home from Killdeer Farms. I knew my mom was smart but I had no idea that what she was teaching me as a kid would stay with me my entire life and become part of the mom I am today to Dax. I'm confident that even during his trying teenage years, he'll be present with us and he'll want us to be a part of his life. He'll always have healthy eating habits and a strong work ethic. And I'll tell him he has his wise Grandma Genie to thank for all this!

As grateful as I am for all that I've got - the list of "have's" versus "have not's" is exponential - our coffers continue to get decimated by unexpected hospital bills, car renewals and registrations, airline tickets to friends' weddings, new suits, lawyer fees for living wills, blah blah blah. Just when I think we're getting ahead, i.e. ridding ourselves of credit card debt which we've now done (we are rejoicing on that one believe me!), someone else is asking for a piece of the pie. I feel like just handing them my wallet, tattooing my bank account on the palm of their hand, giving them an itemize list of all my assets and just screaming, "fine, take it all"! Because that's how it feels. After everyone is paid out, there's little left to play with. But you know, something struck me the other day. My brain was seething with worry over how we were going to get through May and then I found a $20 bill and another $5 in my dresser drawer. I realized that at this very moment in time, at this precise minute, I have $25. I ran downstairs and said to Tim, "Let's go out for Vietnamese!" That night, we stuffed ourselves on Pho - a healthy Vietnamese chicken noodle soup, vermicelli noodles with grilled beef, and Vietnamese egg rolls. We were enjoying the moment. Our bellies were full and the sniffles that were coming on from a cold or allergies seemed to go away too. This food nourished us in so many ways. What I learned from this experience is that I need to look at where I am now and not where things might go in the future. Being mindful of the present and laying to rest the worries of what might go wrong later. Because right now, things are good. Very very good. We will come up with the money for all the unexpected bills. We always do. And we'll always find a little extra for those times when it's important to splurge a little too.