I'm living in a time warp. While the majority of you are getting a solid seven or better yet, eight hours of sleep a night, those dark hours for me are comprised of vivid, sometimes troubling dreams interrupted by a small whimper that takes me from REM to a robot-feeding mama in seconds.
When one doesn't get enough sleep, weird things happen. You start to feel like you're on the rim of reality looking in but you're not actively participating in every day events. You see life unfolding as it should but you're not 100% there to a: enjoy it and b: remember it.
It struck me the other day that since Skylar was born I've gained a gorgeous, healthy, smiling bundle of coos but simultaneously lost my life as it once was. I gave up my shifts at the restaurant - and how I miss the staff, the comraderie and the money - I've lost my Sunday yoga class, my book group, my bunco buddies, my tennis matches, my physique (though I'm now back in to two pairs of pre-pregnancy jeans) my one-on-one adventures with sweet Daxie, and like I said at the start of this blog, my head. That's a lot to give up.
When it hit me the other day that so many of my favorite things were being put on hold, I had a momentary freak out. I frantically shot off emails at 11pm one evening to those friends and acquaintances I knew could help pull me back in. I wrote the book club chair and said I was committing to being there for the December meeting. She wrote back and said my vote would break the tie on which night to meet on. I felt empowered. I can't wait to discuss the tawdry prose of Wifey by Judy Blume.
Next I wrote my mom's group president and said I'd be at the next play date. We went and had a terrific time. I got to talk to moms about mom's stuff and Dax got to make a turkey out of construction paper and play with Tonka toys. And when I asked a new acquaintance of mine from Dax's school about the cardio class she was taking at the Rec Center, it inspired me to commit to going too. While we sculpt our bodies, our kids get to play together in the center's daycare space. They have a crush on each other. It's perfect.
And I know that what is going to finally make me feel like I'm back in sync with the rest of the world is re-entering the work force. I have zero regrets about being home with my children. I feel lucky to not have missed out on one minute of these early years. Every day is an adventure with them. Today, for example, I watched as Dax bravely took the water slide at the local indoor pool and each time he waded out of the water, he'd look to me for approval and a smile. I felt so happy I could be there to do that and to cheer him on.
What I'm wrestling with still is figuring out what work is going to utilize my skills and leave me feeling sated and ultimately happy.
It feels good to be slowly emerging from this weird, alternative universe. I like the real world a whole lot better.