It's not surprising that what's consuming my mind these days is the fact that I'm 35 weeks and five days along in my pregnancy and that means this little guy will be here soon. Very soon. Are we ready emotionally, financially, psychologically? Do we have homemade meals Tupperwared and properly labeled in the freezer for each day of the week? Is the house deep cleaned? Is the co-sleeper set up? Do I have enough newborn diapers to get me through the first week of clay-looking poop? Do I have a pretty, yet practical nightie I can birth him in? Do we have a name picked out?! Ah, that's a big resounding "no!" to all those questions.
I have good reason to feel slightly anxious about this second delivery. Against my wishes, I delivered Dax three weeks early and those three weeks posed some serious health problems for him. He was badly jaundiced and had to be hospitalized for a week until his numbers came down and then when it came to breastfeeding, his mouth didn't have the muscular strength yet to latch. I pumped 10-12 times a day for two full months and fed him breast milk from a bottle until he could clamp his little mouth down the right way. I was determined to not go to formula if I could help it. I'm glad I stuck with the pumping because Dax ended up breastfeeding for just over a year. But for 60 some odd days, I felt like the Vermont Holsteins I once saw on a field trip in middle school who were tirelessly hooked up to milking machines. I remember one batting her long eyelashes at me, seeming to beg to be unhooked from the constant suction. Yes, that was me.
Aside from the insurmountable newborn to-do list that has barely been checked off, I'm feeling so incredibly weepy about having to say goodbye to my first baby. Once the second one is here, Dax is no longer my baby. He's my little boy and I'm not ready for him to play this older role. I love our routine now. I love the life we all have as a family now. I'm scared to turn it all upside down, topsy-turvy style. As much as I want his father to step in and do more of the care giving with Daxie the first few weeks and months, I'm also terrified I'm going to feel left out. Will Dax start turning to Da Da when he's hurt himself or isn't feeling well? Will he feel like I've abandoned him? God, I hope not. I plan to do everything in my power to let him know just how loved and cherished he is even though I have a new baby to love and care for too. Well, with this all said, I'm thinking maybe my time right now might be more wisely spent cleaning the house and getting the new baby's room ready. It's time to chip away at that to-do list!