As I was bringing another plate of hot vanilla cream scones to table 10 at a High Tea a few months ago, one of the ladies reached out and touched my arm and in an accent that struck me as very familiar asked when my baby was due. As we chatted, I learned that the two older women were in their 60's and from Yugoslavia but had spent much of their childhood in Austria. The younger lady was a niece of one of the sisters. Ah, Austrian I say. I was married to a man many years ago whose mother's family was from Austria. I thought I recognized the accent. As we continued to chat, more about who they were and where they had come from spilled out. The two sisters had survived WWII while the rest of their family - parents, siblings, aunts, and uncles had tragically not. I've always had a real interest in WWII history but this was a slice of history I knew nothing about. I learned that morning that thousands of Austrian Jews escaped German-occupied Austria by leaving on illegal ships bound for Israel. They were put on river boats and sent down the Danube River which was considered "international waters" and therefore these refugees could not be touched. Austrian Jews continued to escape this way until April 1940 and my customers were two of those passengers lucky enough to get a spot on one of these river boats. They said they felt like gypsies living with no homeland for all those war years.
After the war, the sisters and three cousins ended up in the Denver area and have lived on American soil for the past 60 years. And then the conversation turned from war-torn Europe to life now as U.S. citizens and how grateful they both felt to be living in a country where they were free. One of the sisters said, "I never take one day here for granted." Wow, I thought, now there's an appreciation for what one has. The other sister shared with me that she miscarried four times and never had children of her own. She was very matter of fact and with no self-pity. It was what it was. But she leaned in a bit closer and said to me, good luck with the pregnancy and "stay happy". Stay happy. I thought that was a wonderful way to conclude such an amazing interaction with total strangers. I will never forget these women or this conversation for as long as I live.

I first started noticing a particular phenomenon while living in Santa Fe, NM many years ago. It was a recurring theme playing out in people's relationships, including my own for a while, that had me perplexed to say the least. Women from all aspects of my life, be it my hair stylist, a former boss, a close girlfriend or a fitness instructor would eventually share with me their stories and these stories all tended to have a very similar theme - highly motivated, driven women taking care of their free-riding counter parts for a host of reasons. Some of the men were struggling with alcoholism, others with depression, lack of motivation or not wanting to "sell out" for work that was below them. I thought at first it was just a coincidence that one or two women had similar experiences. Not the case. After living there for nine years, I realized that I was witnessing a common occurrence and I have to say, I was appalled. Appalled at myself for succumbing for some time to this but also for the women I cared about too. They were working themselves to the bone while their men were "finding themselves" or trying to get a little freelance work here and there. One hair stylist told me she had been financially supporting her artsy, live-in boyfriend for the past five years. When I asked why he didn't work, she sighed and said he was a "fine carpenter" and he didn't want to work for anyone else but himself. When I asked if he was bringing in any money, she said no. His way of helping out was to do handy man projects around the house. Turns out she was putting in 50 hours a week on her feet to keep a roof over their heads. She said she couldn't kick him out. I thought to myself, pathetic. I had a former boss struggle to pay her huge mortgage and house bills while her sober, live-in boyfriend search half-heartedly on their home computer for work for nearly seven months. He never once considered doing something other than what he was trained to do. Why should he? His girlfriend paid all his living expenses including gas for his car and food for his stomach. But it really hit me when my own boss at the restaurant I worked at asked me once as I was setting out the chopsticks and fine linens for dinner why I was putting in a full work week at my magazine internship and another two shifts at the restaurant on the weekends while my partner wasn't even working full time. I said our phone bill was threatened to be cut off and I didn't want to live that way. She asked, "Well, why doesn't he work more? You know, your lower back is sore because you don't feel financially supported." I was stunned that she had it figured out. And I sadly didn't have an answer for this wise Chinese woman. But I think I have an answer now. I think because most women have the capacity to do an extraordinary amount of work in and out of the home as well as be expert multi-taskers, not to mention that in so many instances, we care a whole lot more about keeping our shit together and our lives in order, that as a result of our type-A makeup, we let our men off the hook way too easily. This phenomenon isn't special to Santa Fe. I see it here too unfortunately. We take on more than our share because we don't want to rock the relationship. And now this rant is over.

Ah, the beauty and health care products I can't live without these days (starting from head to toe): Weleda Rosemary hair oil - I give myself a tingly scalp massage with this heavenly-scented oil; Queen Helene's Mint Julep Masque - your clogged pores will breathe a lot easier after doing a face mask with this green goodness; Tweezerman tweezers - need I say more?; Sonic Care toothbrush combined with Crest Pro-Health toothpaste (this fluoride paste is the bomb!) and a daily flossing has my hygenist envious of MY teeth, (and for whiter teeth, I brush once a week with straight baking soda - the best stain remover product out there); Neutrogena Sesame body oil right after a shower makes my skin silky smooth, and as for feet, I soak them in a warm bath of lavender Epsom salts, then use my $2.49 heel shaver from Target and with a coat of OPI red on my toenails, I just gave myself a very inexpensive pedicure that looks like I just stepped out of the salon.

At the age of 41, I'm finally approaching a place where I'm OK if others are disappointed in something I did or didn't do. I used to walk around with this weighty guilt on my shoulders if I fell short of someone else's expectations of me. When I was younger, I wanted to please EVERYONE. Now a little older and a whole lot wiser, I realize that pleasing the masses leaves me feeling depleted, used up. As my very wise cousin once told me, you can never disappoint someone. Their disappointment is theirs. You can't make anyone feel a certain way. Period. Now that's a liberating place to be - not taking on another person's emotions. Heck, I've got enough of my own to deal with. And I used to fret over the loss of a friendship. Now I can step back and see that life is not static - there's an ebb and flow to everything including who I may or may not be close to anymore depending on changes in my life and theirs. More than anything, as I get older, I'd much rather surround myself with a few quality folks than try to have superficial relationships with dozens and dozens of people. If I didn't need so much sleep at night, I'd have a few more hours in a day to keep in touch with many more people I care deeply about. But I do need my sleep and with that said, goodnight and sleep tight.

Here are a few random things I'm appreciating at this very moment . . . my spring nature walk with Daxie this morning - it fed my soul (and his) with soothing song bird calls, lilac blooms, a running creek, and soft breezes; my new yoga space in the backyard playhouse, the glass of ice water I'm sipping with Tru Lemon (zero artificial anything - just pure, freeze-dried lemon!), my newly purchased hand-painted poppy-covered ceramic bowls from Kohl's, recent calls and conversations with old friends (thank you Faith and Nikki), my ever-growing taut belly (as big as I'm getting, I'm still enjoying this pregnancy), and thinking about how devoted and loving Tim is with Dax. It's a beautiful thing to watch them cuddle, play pretend sword fights, and listen as Da Da makes up fanciful stories that get Dax's imagination roaring.

I had no idea that the wise ways of my mom would slowly seep in to my subconscious and become a part of the mom I am today. I mean, heck, I was the typical truculent teen who butt heads with mom on everything from getting my own land line to getting out of another grounding. It was the family rituals my mom insisted we partake in that I took for granted at 16 years old that now I see had merit and wisdom. My mother Genie insisted that our family sit down every evening to share dinner together. My parents asked lots of direct, sometimes hard to answer questions about how we were doing in class, how theater was going or details about our last ski race or break up with a boy. They encouraged us to be animated and opinionated. I always felt they truly cared about what was going on in our lives. And as a result, I wanted to share what was going on in my life with them - something a lot of teens don't want to do. And then I read an article at the gym today talking about how just the simple request of parents asking children to be present at the dinner table every night to talk about their day keeps these kids from getting mixed up in drugs, alcohol and the wrong kind of crowds. I can attest to the fact that this mandate from mom worked - we were basically good kids. Sure we experimented but we respected our parents and wanted them to be proud of us. And we stayed out of major trouble. Mom also insisted I join her every Saturday to do the banking and grocery shopping. Some Saturdays I just wanted to curl up in bed longer but that wasn't an option. I had to go. To this day, I am still benefiting from watching her pay the bills and balance the household budget (I do it now for my family) to reading the nutrition labels on all food packages. Mom did the bulk of her shopping at CO-Ops - grinding her own peanut butter and buying feta cheese when it still floated like icebergs in big wooden barrels. She knew to stay away from artificial preservatives, low-fat gimicks and overly refined fare. We ate whole grains, whole fruits and whole vegetables. Pesto never came from a jar but from a bouquet of basil I'd bring home from Killdeer Farms. I knew my mom was smart but I had no idea that what she was teaching me as a kid would stay with me my entire life and become part of the mom I am today to Dax. I'm confident that even during his trying teenage years, he'll be present with us and he'll want us to be a part of his life. He'll always have healthy eating habits and a strong work ethic. And I'll tell him he has his wise Grandma Genie to thank for all this!

As grateful as I am for all that I've got - the list of "have's" versus "have not's" is exponential - our coffers continue to get decimated by unexpected hospital bills, car renewals and registrations, airline tickets to friends' weddings, new suits, lawyer fees for living wills, blah blah blah. Just when I think we're getting ahead, i.e. ridding ourselves of credit card debt which we've now done (we are rejoicing on that one believe me!), someone else is asking for a piece of the pie. I feel like just handing them my wallet, tattooing my bank account on the palm of their hand, giving them an itemize list of all my assets and just screaming, "fine, take it all"! Because that's how it feels. After everyone is paid out, there's little left to play with. But you know, something struck me the other day. My brain was seething with worry over how we were going to get through May and then I found a $20 bill and another $5 in my dresser drawer. I realized that at this very moment in time, at this precise minute, I have $25. I ran downstairs and said to Tim, "Let's go out for Vietnamese!" That night, we stuffed ourselves on Pho - a healthy Vietnamese chicken noodle soup, vermicelli noodles with grilled beef, and Vietnamese egg rolls. We were enjoying the moment. Our bellies were full and the sniffles that were coming on from a cold or allergies seemed to go away too. This food nourished us in so many ways. What I learned from this experience is that I need to look at where I am now and not where things might go in the future. Being mindful of the present and laying to rest the worries of what might go wrong later. Because right now, things are good. Very very good. We will come up with the money for all the unexpected bills. We always do. And we'll always find a little extra for those times when it's important to splurge a little too.