Skylar Drake turns six months old today. Happy Half Year birthday chunky monkey! For all my family and friends who read my blog regularly, I wanted to let you know what our big Sky has been busy doing.

1. While on his back, Skylar grabs both feet and rocks from side to side until he's finally on his stomach and then he rocks back to Happy Baby yoga pose!

2. Sucks his thumb.

3. When on his tummy, he can push up so high on his forearms that his head clears the co-sleeper. We've now moved him to the crib!

4. Can successfully grab at all the hanging toys on his Jungle Play Mat (on loan to us from our dear friend Dawn), make them rattle, swing and dance. And everything goes in to his mouth.

5. Can sit on his own unsupported but because he's so big, he sometimes starts to cant forward and when he finds his toes, they go right in his mouth.

6. Has a late afternoon snack of DHA-fortified infant oatmeal, and either mashed banana, garnet yams, or avocado as a side dish. He'll be trying applesauce today.

7. Skylar points with his index finger at nothing in particular.

8. Is really trying to talk. The other day I said, "thank you" to Dax for turning off the outdoor faucet and a second later I swear I heard Skylar trying to say the same thing. Whatever he said it sounded like thank you. He also says "hi". No joke. He does.

9. When crying to be picked up, he has said "ma" and "mama" and Tim's pretty sure that he's also heard him say "da".

10. If you ask Skylar where mama is, he looks to find me. If you ask him where dada is, he looks right at Tim, and he does this for Daxie and our dog Kodi Bear, so Sky knows who his family is!

11. When you come toward him with a diaper, he lifts his legs. What a helpful little guy.

12. Dax can get Skylar to grunt out a deep, hearty belly laugh. Dax has nicknamed Skylar "Noonie" and "Pooping Machine".

13. When you say "kiss?" he opens his mouth for one, especially when Kodi walks by because he knows he'll get a nice wet one from his furry friend.

14. When I ask if he wants a bath, he gets very animated and starts punching and kicking with arms and legs. Same goes for "neh" "neh" (breast milk) and when I ask if he wants his oatmeal.

15. Can palm his bottle for a short bit but he isn't quite holding it on his own yet.

16. Is loving the Rec Center pool.

17. Coos along to songs on the car radio.

18. His pediatrician says it looks like Sky's two bottom front teeth are about to come in. He also says that at 90% for weight, 90% for height and 96% for head circumference, we've got a very healthy baby boy.

19. Aside from getting fussy when hungry or tired, Skylar is such a happy, laid-back baby. We adore him.

I want to dedicate my next blog to some funny (and frustrating!) toddler antics. One glace at this list and you might think I never have my eye on Dax but somehow he manages to pull these escapades off in a matter of minutes!

1. While the red load was washing, Dax manged to open the dryer door, stand up on its lip, grab the partially opened and brand new bottle of Downey softener, and proceed to dump its entire contents into the wash cycle.

2. Flushing a pair of small nail clippers down the toilet.

3. Getting in to a giant tub of Vaseline and smearing it ALL over his face, his bed, and the carpets. Oh what fun it was to clean up, but his skin was as smooth and silky as a newborn's bottom!

4. Dropping DaDia's beloved snow globe on the living room floor and then not owning up to it. He continued playing as if nothing bad had happened. So naughty!

5. Finding Dax sitting in the middle of the kitchen up to his elbow in a brand new jar of all-natural creamy peanut butter. There were pools of it around his entire body and he just smiled and said, "Look mama!"

6. Dressing up in mama's headband (he actually got it on right) and beaded clutch purse and telling me he was going shopping for turkey. (And just to set the record straight, he prefers playing with monster trucks and tractors!)

7. Smearing washable finger paint ALL over his playhouse with his good friend AJ. They even managed to get it on the fuzzy rocking horse.

8. Left alone for 10 minutes to play together upstairs, Dax gets into the shower and AJ keeps turning it on and off. Dax is soaked and both boys are giggling uncontrollably.

9. Lifting Skylar out of his vibrate seat and nearly toppling over from the weight of the chunky monkey.

10. Finding Dax standing on the coffee table launching himself through the air onto the couch.

11. Getting in to the chewing gum in the center console of the car and leaving wads of it for us to find.

12. Taking himself to his potty, he later yells for me to come look at the "18-wheeler" he had pooped out. Lordy, it was enormous.

More to come . . .

I've been writing down my New Year's goals since 1997 on little lined squares of card stock and keeping them in my wallet change purse. (Well, in the first few years I taped them to my office wall or the bathroom mirror, but now they stay with me). With my new system, I'm more apt to get them out and give them a look over. In the 13 years I've done this, I've almost always accomplished what I set out to do.
So with that said, this year I'm not only writing them down on paper, I'm going to jot them down here in my blog for all to read. Keep me honest guys!

1. To be the most patient mama I can be and to teach my boys to be loving, kind, adventurous, and respectful human beings. And most important, always always make time for play!

2. To lose the last eight pounds of post-pregnancy weight and to get to my optimal weight and fit level. I'm not only needing to do this for myself but for my family too.

3. To continue to stay in touch with those I love who live far away and to be open to making new friends right where I am.

4. To make more Tim and Ki time by having more date nights, a weekend or two away without the boys, and just making sure we connect every night and have that adult time our marriage craves.

5. Travel to places I've never been before (Austria, U.S. National Parks, etc.) and go back to the places I love (the Caribbean, Santa Fe, Vermont, Cape Cod . . .)

6. Start a regular YOGA practice!

7. Begin each morning with fresh squeezed lemon juice in warm water, to take my vitamins religiously, and to drink lots of water. And here is to less sugar!

8. Reduce, Reuse, Recycle

9. Become an expert in something. Make a name for myself.

10. Treat myself to a few more splurgy things like hair highlights, facials, massages, clothes, products, etc.

11. Breathe away anger and replace it with acceptance.

12. Make every minute count!!!

I'm living in a time warp. While the majority of you are getting a solid seven or better yet, eight hours of sleep a night, those dark hours for me are comprised of vivid, sometimes troubling dreams interrupted by a small whimper that takes me from REM to a robot-feeding mama in seconds.
When one doesn't get enough sleep, weird things happen. You start to feel like you're on the rim of reality looking in but you're not actively participating in every day events. You see life unfolding as it should but you're not 100% there to a: enjoy it and b: remember it.
It struck me the other day that since Skylar was born I've gained a gorgeous, healthy, smiling bundle of coos but simultaneously lost my life as it once was. I gave up my shifts at the restaurant - and how I miss the staff, the comraderie and the money - I've lost my Sunday yoga class, my book group, my bunco buddies, my tennis matches, my physique (though I'm now back in to two pairs of pre-pregnancy jeans) my one-on-one adventures with sweet Daxie, and like I said at the start of this blog, my head. That's a lot to give up.
When it hit me the other day that so many of my favorite things were being put on hold, I had a momentary freak out. I frantically shot off emails at 11pm one evening to those friends and acquaintances I knew could help pull me back in. I wrote the book club chair and said I was committing to being there for the December meeting. She wrote back and said my vote would break the tie on which night to meet on. I felt empowered. I can't wait to discuss the tawdry prose of Wifey by Judy Blume.
Next I wrote my mom's group president and said I'd be at the next play date. We went and had a terrific time. I got to talk to moms about mom's stuff and Dax got to make a turkey out of construction paper and play with Tonka toys. And when I asked a new acquaintance of mine from Dax's school about the cardio class she was taking at the Rec Center, it inspired me to commit to going too. While we sculpt our bodies, our kids get to play together in the center's daycare space. They have a crush on each other. It's perfect.
And I know that what is going to finally make me feel like I'm back in sync with the rest of the world is re-entering the work force. I have zero regrets about being home with my children. I feel lucky to not have missed out on one minute of these early years. Every day is an adventure with them. Today, for example, I watched as Dax bravely took the water slide at the local indoor pool and each time he waded out of the water, he'd look to me for approval and a smile. I felt so happy I could be there to do that and to cheer him on.
What I'm wrestling with still is figuring out what work is going to utilize my skills and leave me feeling sated and ultimately happy.
It feels good to be slowly emerging from this weird, alternative universe. I like the real world a whole lot better.

Here are a few of my favorite things (and some products to stay far away from):

LOVE the new Aveeno Fig & Shea Butter moisturizing body wash - the heavenly smell lingers on my skin long after a hot shower.

HATE the Aveeno Clear Complexion Cream Cleanser (the micro beads are too small and too few and they do nothing to help exfoliate the skin. It's also very drying which causes the face to produce more oil and thus the purpose of "fighting pimples" is defeated.)

LOVE Bumble and Bumble Seaweed Shampoo - this moisturizing shampoo is light enough to use every day - it does not weigh my hair down. A superior product.

HATE Garnier Fructis - these products are heavily marketed and come in beautiful packaging but I think they are sub-par at best. It's amazing how many negative blogs there are on-line discussing the high price point and disappointing results. I would get a rash on my neck whenever I used the shampoo or conditioner. Yuck.

LOVE any Mustela products for my kids - fantastic scents, no parabens, amazing lather and zero tears. Gotta love it.

This entry is about body image.
I was one of those rare teenage girls who actually liked the way her body looked. I was 5'4" and 110 pounds and I never worried about fat and calories. I could polish off an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's Super Fudge Chunk after field hockey or downhill ski racing practice and then, always to my mother's surprise, sit down to dinner and finish my plate. I burned calories faster than a hummingbird. One friend described my quick movements as "flittering". He said I didn't know how to walk from one place to the next, rather I ran.
In college, there was no freshman 15 found on this lean frame. My cranked-up metabolism allowed me to drink keg beer, eat gravy fries, and even spend a semester abroad in Spain where fried churros and thick, hot chocolate that had to be eaten with a spoon were my go-to midday snacks. And still, a large butt, belly rolls, and back fat stayed far, far away.
My mom warned me that once I hit my 30's, the pounds would start to pack on. She said it happened to her. On deaf ears, she was trying to tell me that a woman's body changes. Well, she was right to some extent. My boyish figure morphed into one with curves and breasts which made me like my figure more, especially in a bikini or cut-off jean shorts.
Then in my late 30's I hit a depressive low with my divorce and gained some extra weight. It came from making myself elaborate dinners for one and drinking more red wine than I should have. But trail running in Santa Fe before work with friends and sticking to the Atkins Diet for a few weeks had me back to my ideal weight again. I lost 11 pounds just like that. Piece of cake.
And then it happened. I had my second child this past July and even the breast feeding isn't melting the pregnancy weight gain away as fast as I'd like it to. You mean, I'm going to have to actually work at losing weight? Currently, I'm looking at having to lose 15 pounds to get back to my "cosmopolitan self" as my OB/GYN describes it. For me, this is almost an insurmountable amount of weight to have to lose. I mean, this is what Skylar weighs himself and I have to shed that from my body?
To all the women out there who have always struggled with their weight, I now have the utmost empathy for you. I get it. It sucks to have a friend or family member look you up and down from head to toe with a bit of disgust in their eyes. Suddenly, I feel like the fat girl sitting on the gym bleachers not being asked to slow dance.
In order to get back to my ideal weight, I'm taking my (fat) ass to the Rec Center every week and hitting the treadmill, hiking steep trails with Skylar in the Bjorn, cleaning my house with a frenzy (this burns some serious calories)and trying to eat a more Mediterranean diet of salads with feta, tomatoes, olives, red onion and always a lean protein on top. With breast feeding, I'm not looking to cut out a ton of calories. But I am committed to exercising more, eating well, and doing my 60 sit-ups a day to get my body back to beautiful. I've never been so ready for a challenge. Pretty soon those disdainful stares will turn in to ones of admiration and envy.

By the time I started to have kids in my late 30's, I was 100 percent ready to be a mom. Once it finally happened with Dax, it was rare for anyone to hear me complain about not "having time for myself". I had wanted children for so long that when it finally happened, I found turning the focus from myself to another human being didn't feel like a sacrifice at all, it felt good and it felt right. And now the second bundle of cooing bubbles is here and again, I'm ready.
But there has been a shift in me and that shift has to do with making myself a priority again because if I don't, my emotional and physical health will suffer. I can't have motherhood be the only thing that defines this once very complex human being, ME! (I know Dax wouldn't believe it but I do have passions and interests outside of potty training, playgrounds, and Rec Center pools.)
I'm making a commitment to myself to set aside a few minutes to a few hours a day to inching my way back to the old Ki. I need my kids to know who I was before they came on board and who I still am today: a B&B manager (I miss this challenging work), an avid backpacker and camper, a gourmet cook, a yoga student and once teacher, a writer and a big-time reader, a loyal friend, a tennis player (I was actually getting good before I got pregnant!), a trail runner (oh, how I miss the obstacle course of roots and rocks), a more stylish chica (the overhaul of the closet has begun!), a Spanish speaker and a decent editor. Where did I disappear to?
So now, when I wake up in the morning, I'm setting my intention for the day to find little ways to nourish my soul. I want to merge my old self with my new self as mother-of-two.
A few days ago, the nourishment came from baking Toll House cookies with Dax and letting him stir the batter, crumble the walnuts and lick the mixer spoon. Yesterday, it came from a stroller jog with Skylar preceded by a telephone conversation with my best friend and a hot chai in my hand. And it always feels great to write. I must keep it up.
I think that by taking care of Ki, great things will happen. And loved ones around me will be happier because I'm ultimately happier.