I am a motherless daughter. I have been since I was 25 years old. I lost mom when she was far too young and I was venturing out in to the world and trying to make it on my own. We were getting to a point in our relationship where there was a genuine ease between us. Living under her roof was hard a lot of the time because she was easily stressed by my truculent teenage ways. It was when I moved away to college that our friendship blossomed. I no longer had to live by her strict rules and she could just enjoy my company rather than be the constantly worried parent. But I try not to feel sorry for myself. I'm incredibly grateful that I had 25 years to be her daughter. It could have been shorter. My mom was giddy about life. She giggled about silly things, blushed easily, peppered my sister and me with questions about how things were going with our friends, boyfriends, classes, sports, teenage angst stuff. There was never a doubt that she cared for us in the most profound way a parent can love a child. Our mom was proud of us and let us know that every single time we saw her or spoke on the phone. She would say she was in "awe" of what my sister and I were accomplishing. When we were feeling defeated by a break-up with a guy or troubles at work, we could always count on mom for that needed ego boost. So when I hear friends gripe about their own mothers, it seriously makes me cringe. If you're lucky enough to have a mom in your life, please tell her how blessed you feel. I wish I could.

I'm a generalist. I can smooze with the brightest of them on a plethora of subjects but my knowledge of each subject matter is quite limited. And I feel boxed in by those limitations. I envy those who know a lot about one thing and are sought after to expound on the particulars of something. So then I ask myself - what subject matter would I want to know in minute detail? That's the big question and I think if I could figure that out, I'd know what my future holds. Becoming a specialist would require going back to school and I'm not opposed to doing that - at any age. Nabbing a nursing degree has been in the back of my mind. Becoming an historian of some kind has piqued my interest. Getting my MBA (or going to a community college and getting an associate business degree) so that I would be ready to start my own business like a Bed & Breakfast or a cupcake shop or a company that makes healthy meals to be delivered to moms on maternity leave. Becoming a therapist/counselor. Obtaining my yoga teacher training certificate.
Feeling exceptionally skilled in one area is important to me. I'd feel more confident about myself and hopefully, I'd make my sons proud. They'd have a mom who was doing it all but still had the time and the energy for them, always. Once both kids are in school full time, though, there's no reason for me to "stay at home". My mom was always there when we got off the bus at 3pm and I'd like to do the same for my boys. But that still leaves 9am-3pm to challenge myself mentally, physically, and spiritually.
Years down the road when Dax starts looking at colleges, I will be gently nudging him toward degrees in engineering, medince, law, architecture, economics, business, technology, etc. I'm not against Dax obtaining a liberal arts degree but I'll let him know that I personally felt "green" when looking for work after graduation. The choices were too open and undefined. And my voice felt squeaky and small. Not to mention, the salaries were miserably low and that, too, doesn't help to feed a healthy ego. I needed to feel armed with concrete skills in a particular area and I did not.
So it's brainstorming time for now and I think the more I write, the closer I'll get to figuring out what I want to do when I'm all grown-up.

Dax has a way with words. Today I wanted to dedicate my blog to his silly, sometimes outrageous, outbursts before they're a distant memory. I could write all day - these are just some of the ones that stand out:

While in his car seat - "Mama - slooooowwww down. Driving too fast . . . dangerous!"

As Tim is leaving for work - "Dada works veeeerrry hard." What does he do Dax? "Dada works on cars, airplanes. . ." Tim's says wait till Dax discovers that his father is a Water Resources Planner and he's going to be disappointed!

If Dax sees me crying (which I often do jacked up on pregnancy hormones) - "Mama's crying, mama's sad. Mama . . . be happy!"

Tim hands Dax a sturdy plastic box that holds his fly fishing flies and Dax looks at it, turns it over and says, "so durable." We flip. But then realize, he might have said, "so adorable" - both comments still make us go "oh my gosh"!

Whenever Dax is doing something risky he says to himself in the third person, "Be careful Dax, don't fall, you might bump your head / you might hit your bum bum."

Dax has Kodi in his command - "Sit Kodi, Stay! Ok, Kodi get the stick!" And Kodi listens!

We could be in a grocery store, the library - you name it but whenever Dax has a chance to talk to a stranger, it's always about what he's going to do when he sees his grandparents in Santa Fe - "Nana, Papa Buzzy play basketball, go in wagon."

We were out for Vietnamese the other night and Dax stands up on the vinyl seat, wipes his nose on the napkin and screams at the waiter, "boogers!!" Parents are mortified.

When we're headed to the zoo and we ask Dax what he's going to see, his usual response: "Crocodiles BITE you . . . panda bears eat grass . . . beavers eat wood. . . giraffes eat crackers (they actually do at the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo in Colorado Springs). Sometimes spoken in a different order.

When Dax sees any heavy equipment, he likes to explain what each one does: tractors lift dirt . . . dump trucks carry dirt . . . snowplows push snowflakes." He also loves mini loaders and concrete mixers but he doesn't have a job defined for them yet.

While hiking: Stay on the nature trail . . . or might get lost.

Dax is fascinated by the differences in boys and girls: Boys have balls. Boys have pee pees. Da da has a pee pee! Mama have a pee pee? Nooooooo, mama has a yoni (Indian/Sanscrit for vagina - I thought that was a more pleasant word.)

I already wrote this on Facebook but Dax likes to find a purse of mine, swing it over his shoulder and exclaim: Bye bye mama, going to work. See ya. Nice to meet you and/or Have a nice day!

About Kodi, our dog: Kodi barking a lot. (a few minutes later) Kodi has a tail and a little bum bum.

I should be going to bed but instead I'm updating my blog in the hopes that the pestery things on my mind will not enter my dreams if I jot them down here. A few entries ago I wrote about the importance of saving and not spending and then my husband goes out and buys a 2009 Subaru Outback and we've got to find a way to pay for a second car payment. Luckily, all our credit card debt is finally paid off and we're letting out a big sigh. What we paid toward debt will now be redirected toward a car payment. And Tim was right - our 365,000 mile Honda had no driver's seat belt and the clutch was the original - in other words it was about to gooooooo. Tim's freelance paychecks will also certainly help ease the second car payment burden. But it's scary being locked in to two car payments. And we just found out that our renters are most likely leaving at the end of their lease in June. We could not have found kinder, tidier, more caring renters than this German couple. They love our house like we do. We may be looking at trying to find new renters of the same caliber from here in Colorado and that's not an easy task. So a lot of big financial woes on my mind and my husband's but I've just got to believe that everything works out and it works out the way it's suppose to. As much as I resist the all-out American consumerism, there are things that one needs to live. I don't want to live like a pauper but I certainly disdain gluttony. I'm just trying to find a balance, that's all.

Why is it these days that when I talk with girlfriends, they tell me how "frantically busy" they are - you can almost hear them out of breath on the phone. It seems everyone is over-scheduled and over tired from life. Growing up in a small town in Vermont, I can't recall my parents, who both worked and raised me and my sister and were constantly shuffling us from ice skating rink to ski mountain to hockey fields, ever uttering those words. Yes, they were always moving but the movement now seems at an all time frenetic high. Do folks thrive on the constant go, go, go or are they having a hard time saying "no" when another request or favor is asked of them? If suddenly their lives slowed way down, would they feel bored? It's like we've got to have a million plates spinning to feel that our lives have meaning and value. If those plates came crashing down and we were only spinning a few, perhaps we'd feel like we weren't working hard enough? Ever since I quit full time work to be a mom, I know my life has become more simplified. I'm busy but I'm not spent. When one has that much to juggle, ultimately there will be a sector of one's life that gets short-changed. Then the guilt settles in. Maybe if we could all start making that To Do list shorter, we wouldn't feel like we were always trying to play catch up. And don't get me wrong - I miss working at a job that I took a lot of pride in (i.e. managing a B&B etc.), but now that I'm on the other side, the non-stop motion I see in my friends makes me a little queasy. I'm not sure I want to get on that ride again.

This is going to be a short rant - promise. In the past couple of weeks, I've gotten in to conversations with female friends who are in their early to mid-thirties about the prospect of marriage and kids with the men they are dating. The women, surprise surprise, want it all and their counterparts, well, aren't as much in a rush to get there. These women may want it all but they're not ready to push for it and that worries me. I see them backing down, giving in to their boyfriend's ambivalence and even coming up with screwy ideas of how they'll raise the babies on their own but hope the guy sticks around to be their partner. What the hell girls? That's just nutty talk. I do have some experience in this area. I dated a man many years ago who could never commit to me fully. That even continued in to a short marriage with him. We hung out in this grey, undefined space together for years with the relationship never really evolving in a mature way. Why do we women sacrifice all that we want to be with a man we think we can't live without? When in reality, there are plenty of men out there who DO want what we want. Push the subject ladies. Don't be so afraid of the answer and stop putting your life on hold for someone else's. You'll soon be hitting "advanced maternal age" in the fertility world and then your chance at having kids at all shrinks drastically. Then the choice is taken away.
On a fluffier note, here's my beauty product pick for the day: Earth Science A-D-E creamy cleanser and face lotion (in almond) - the cleanser is a natural fruit oil cleanser that goes on milky and doesn't lather. Rub on a moist face and take off with warm water and a wash cloth. Most natural, organic products make me break out but this one does not. My skin feels so soft and not dried out - so key in this Colorado climate. The face lotion absorbs quickly and does not make my skin feel dirty or sticky - something I hate. This line is found at Whole Foods and Natural Grocers, to name a couple. And the price is right - both are under $10.

I feel unusually blessed today. My father called to share with me his real concerns about the condition I have in my right leg - phlebitis caused by pregnancy. I'm doing what I can to keep it in check - wearing compression stockings, elevating my feet even when I sleep, and taking anti-inflammatory medicine when needed. That's all good, he said, but I think your work at the restaurant is putting your health at risk. Ironically, I had had an appointment with my ob/gyn the day before who had said I would need to slow it down soon. It was hard to disagree with either one of them. When pregnant with Dax, I did not have inflamed veins and the big change in this pregnancy has been taking on restaurant work that demands me being on my feet a lot. So he made a deal with me. If I quit immediately, he will cover the money that I would have made in the next two months. (I always intended to quit about two months from my due date.) Basically, Papa is allowing me to put my health first and to ease my mind about the income that would have been lost. More than the money, it's the loving gesture my father made out of his genuine concern for my well-being. I feel so loved and even at my age, it feels good to still be taken care of in some way by my father. You never stop being a parent to your kids and Papa has an even bigger role to fill with my mom gone. He's doing great.
But I will miss going in to work - I love the owners and the staff of the Augustine Grill - a charming 1903 Victorian house that feels like a second home. I look forward to my shifts - they are my own time away from family duty and a 6 hour span where I can be professional with my customers, goofy with the staff and always participate in some dynamic conversation regarding literature, movies, politics, travel, love, etc. There's a psychology to serving customers in a restaurant - you have to be interested in other people's stories. It's more than delivering the specials and offering fresh ground pepper on a Caesar - it's taking a true interest in what they have to say. Not only do I walk away with an empty tray in my hand and some dirty plates but I walk away more informed and wiser about the ways of the world and a better understanding of myself. Anna, my boss, says I always have a job if I want it. I'll come back after I give birth - luckily, the condition goes away after delivery, and for sure, I'll need those 6-hour shifts at Augustine to just be me.

Thanks to my friend's new blog called Molly on Money, I'm reminded that it's not about how much money one brings in, it's how wisely it's spent. They cut their income in half and are living better on their 2.5 acres in Santa Fe - growing more of their own vegetables, raising their own chickens and bees and having more quality family time. Buying less crap - I love it. Molly reminded me that the smartest way to save on food is to shop once a week and have all the meals figured out before going to the grocery store. I used to do this and have gotten lazy in the past year. No more. I know what I can spend in a week and once I spend it on my one visit to the store, there are no more quick stops to Natural Grocers or King Soopers. I'm also going through my budget and finding line items I can either shrink or delete all together. Yesterday, it was goodbye to farmer's milk that's been delivered to the house since Dax started drinking it a year ago. As much as I want to support this family business, they've raised their prices and I can buy cheaper organic milk at the market. Our big trip to the Caribbean this spring only comes after first throwing most of our tax refund at credit card debt. Now we can play with the rest. It's also been a lifesaver to only have one car payment for the past two years. We've made due with one nice car and a used Honda with 365,000 miles on it. Yes, it's still running. Talk about a savings. And if there's some kind of high-tech gear Tim must have, he first sells a gently used gear item on Ebay to off set the cost of the new item. It's worked well and we don't go in to debt to support this "habit" of his! And we have less crap in our garage and that makes me happy. And I'm a big fan of putting second hand clothes on Dax. My cousin Mindy has been incredibly generous to send us box loads of boy clothes and once he's worn them, our second baby boy will get mileage out of them. I will only buy Dax new clothes if they're on major sale - like the $1.23 I spend on a super soft cotton onesie from Target that had "Vermont" written across the front - priceless!
I have a mental image of my dream home sketched out in my mind - it's got about 5 acres of land and a small creek that runs most of the year. There's a barn with a horse, a cow, some chickens, barn cats and barn owls. It's a fixer upper that's already been fixed up. And it's located in either Montpelier, VT or maybe somewhere in Colorado. And I know with smart spending and decent earnings, we can get there.

At the time Dax was born, both Tim and I felt strongly about not circumcising him. We learned in our parenting workshops that circumcision was not necessary as once thought. The Santa Fe team who helped birth him didn't even bring it up to us as an option! But for the past eight months, we've had to administer topical cream to get the foreskin to loosen up and to retract in an normal manner. Dax has complained of pain and discomfort off and on too. After the cream stoppped working, the urologist said the only other option was cicumcision. So Dax had the procedure Tuesday and what a brave little boy he was. He danced about the pre-op room in his purple rocket gown and non-stick socks and let the kind nurses take his temperature, his oxygen output, and listen to his heartbeat. The 30 minute procedure felt like an eternity but I was able to breathe fully when I saw Dr. Blythe and the anesthesiologist come in to the waiting room with big smiles on their faces - the procedure went well and Dax was just coming to. We are having another baby boy and this time he'll be circumcised as soon as he's born. I don't want to have to go through this again. And the chances he too will have a tight foreskin and complications with that are pretty good.
On another note, my pregnancy hormones may be making me feel more emotional but the feelings that are coming to the surface are still real and valid and powerful. I fully understand that as a stay at home mom, it's my primary job to a)care for Dax b) take care of the house and household budget) but moms need breaks too and if we don't get them, we break down physically and emotionally. I know it's not healthy to keep score on who's getting to play more but the scale is tipped so far to one end, it's laughable. In talking to a good friend here in Castle Rock, she made me realize that instead of waiting till the meltdown moment, to talk to Tim and tell him when it's happening that I need time for myself too. And to take it. Not to just say I need it but to actually do something about it. So I've made a new commitment to re-joining my book club, to visiting family in California, to getting my ass to yoga EVERY Sunday, not just once in a while, and to take a night out of the week for just myself - whether it's to catch a movie with a friend or drive to Boulder to see friends. And to suck up the costs and actually hire a babysitter to watch Dax while I go and find my sanity once again. No more feeling sorry for myself - it's just time to take control of my life again. Easier said than done but I know I can do it.